Friendship.

Everybody knows now. Friends, family, everybody.

In a strange way it gives me comfort to know I don’t have to pretend everything’s fine all the time.

Friends have been incredibly supportive, I’ve had some beautiful messages over the past 24 hrs from close friends but also from people I hardly know. Sending me love, thinking of me, sharing their stories of cancer and death that I had no idea about before.

This morning in the playground was hard. Lots of faces looking at me with “that look”, not knowing what to say or even if to say something. The look of pity and sadness. I don’t blame them, I’ve looked at people like that before too. I know what would have been going through their minds, I know they feel some of my sadness and that’s enough for me.

My best friend Leanne was amazing, I never doubted that she would be. I truly believe we were meant to meet, I don’t know why yet but I get the feeling it’s for something amazing, I often wonder if she feels the same way?

We’re going to visit Mum tomorrow, apparently she’s in good spirits and is still bossing my Dad around! She’s also having a blast of radiation tomorrow to help with the pain which apparently might make her feel temporarily worse. 

I told the kids that grandma has cancer and is never going to get better. It was easier than I thought actually, they just took it in. Jasper asked if it was medication that made your hair fall out when you had cancer, his teacher recently went through treatment for breast cancer so there are things he is already aware of and I am very thankful for that. Kids are much more resilient than we ever give them credit for but I can’t help but worry about he circumstances of future visits. Will she be hooked up to machines? Will she be unconscious? In a way I am grateful that I don’t live up there anymore but I also feel very guilty. My day to day life hasn’t changed like that of my brother, sister and dads! They see her everyday, they will see her as she declines and will be there when she dies.

Is it wrong to not want to be there when the time comes? 

No Idea…

I couldn’t think of a title for this bit.

The Dr’s have spoken to my mum, this time she had my dad with her.

She has primary cancer of the lungs and from there it has spread to her spine and various other places. Chemotherapy would only extend her life by 6 months at best and she doesn’t want to live the last months of her life having to deal with everything that would bring. I don’t blame her for not wanting that at all. She’ll have Radiotherapy blasts to help with the pain but that is all. At worst she has a couple of weeks although no one knows exactly how long she now has.

How does it get so advanced without you knowing?!

I did cry but I feel extraordinarily calm, is it shock?

We’re going to try and visit as soon as we can, although (and I feel awful for even thinking this) I don’t want to. I’m scared about what I will see, I’m scared that the children will find it too upsetting but most of all I’m scared to say goodbye knowing full well it might be the last time I actually see her.

Meditation

This morning I knew I had to start doing something else as well as this blog. I knew today was the day we’d hear from the Dr’s. I knew that from today my mums life would have a limit stamped on it for us all to see.

I downloaded the app Headspace which seems to really help. I spent 10 minutes on the first meditation, then I needed to get out of the house.

When the kids are at school I often go out walking. I take my rucksack with some water and a few snacks along with my binoculars and just head out. I used to do this as a child growing up in The Lake District. It’s funny how things come back round.

I always think a lot when I’m walking. The main topic today was “what do I do with my business?” I’m in direct sales, MLM, network marketing, whatever you want to call it and I have always shared my life with my friends and followers on FaceBook. When the kids have meltdowns, when I feel like I’m not good at anything, when I have successes, when I have an epic “Pinterest fail”, it all goes on there so what do I do now?! Do I pretend it’s not happening and carry on posting about how amazing our products are or do I let everyone know what’s going on? For now at least I’m keeping quiet and not posting anything then, I think I will tell everyone, I just can’t do both. I don’t want my business to come to a complete stop, does that make me sound selfish?

 

Belief…

 I spoke to my brother tonight.

Secondary cancer, nothing they can do.

I think deep down I already knew this. I firmly believe that the universe has our backs, that I am somehow meant to take this journey and I think this belief is what is keeping me so strangely calm. Yes I cried, a lot! But in between these raw cavernous pits of utter sadness there is a calmness. Like someone or somethsomething is giving me great strength to enable me to get through this. Or maybe I’m in shock? Maybe this is the calm before the storm?

We’re still waiting for the exact results from her latest scan 3 days ago. The doctors have been unable to open the computer file because of a ransom ware virus, aptly named wannacry that has infested the computer systems of various NHS hospitals and Dr’s surgeries. How can people, other human beings do something like that? It’s something that is beyond my comprehension and I refuse to give it any more of my attention. I also firmly believe in karma, of sorts.

What absolutely didn’t surprise me was that my mum it’s refusing any treatment and you know what I really admire her for that! Any treatment she could have would only prolong her life.

But what kind of life would it be?

How it all began to end.

They say that attending events can change your life.

I’m sat in my hotel room, waiting to be picked up by my husband after my company’s first Global Leadership Summit. I was chosen from 300 other girls to attend this event which I was extremely humbled by. I don’t consider myself any different to the others working their arses off in direct sales so to be chosen to go felt amazing.

One thing I need to get across before I go any further, I am not a writer! Never have been. I struggle to get my thoughts out fast enough that they rarely make any sense. So if these entries seem disjointed somehow, that’s why.

This weekend has brought about such a massive change that I desperately needed some kind of outlet and ta-dah! Here it is!

They say that events like the one I’ve just attended can change your life. Although this is usually because you are surrounded by like minded people. People who have the same dreams and desires, people who you can learn from, share ideas, wins and failures with. But you see my life changing moment didn’t come from inside the room or from anyone there. My moment came from a text from my little sister.

“Laura, mums got cancer. I’m so so sorry”

I knew she was in hospital, I knew they’d found a lesion on her spine, I also knew there was a chance it was cancer but a part of me was telling myself I was over-reacting, that it was an infection, intravenous anti-biotics would be all she’d  need.

I sat alone in my hotel room trying to process what I was feeling, what the months ahead would bring and then that awful sickening feeling shot through when I wondered how I’d tell my children.

I stayed for the whole event, knowing that there was nothing I could do, my mum doesn’t live near me anyway so it wasn’t as if I could go and visit. I felt guilty and selfish but I knew I had to try and get through the training and, if I’m honest I wanted something to keep my mind off it all.

And this is where the title of the blog came from. That’s how is feel, like I’m standing on a ridge, a really high ridge. I can see everything going on below me, cars on the roads, people on the streets, birds flying, children playing, dogs chasing balls. And there I am standing above it all, somehow removed from everything going on. My movements above are slow, like I’m suspended in water and I don’t know how to swim to the surface.